Made, Born and Carried: Lessons from Porter

One Day at a Time~33 Weeks

2012-02-27T21:25:00.001-05:00

Send in the Clowns~

There have been so many humbling and wonderful moments this past week.

I am becoming increasingly clumsy and forgetful. Last Tuesday, I ran over a jagged rock when I got to Cam's school which caused air to gush from the tire. On the phone with roadside assistance (imagine me changing a tire while having a "spare" in my belly) I managed to lock myself out of the car! Great! One of my proudest moments. I am proud of myself for not crying! Thankfully I can laugh at myself (I'd make a good clown)

My church, Stonepoint, hosted a Night of Worship last Thursday where I was able to serve as an usher. I had the honor of meeting Andy Stanley and then Chinua Hawk who has a voice that I can only describe as a gift from God. I am so thankful that God has given me heart to think of others during this trial. It's so easy to just sink into your own sorrow and not be able to care or give of yourself at times like these. I'm sure my moments are going to come after Porter is born where all my energy will go towards grieving, but for now, I am thankful for being able to think outside of myself.

For the last several weeks, Seth and I have been SO excited to take Cam to the circus. I bought the tickets and either pregnancy brain or Ticket Master got us tickets to a show at the wrong time. When we arrived, we couldn't get in and all the tickets were sold out...then the guy at the counter said, "Wait a minute, is it okay if you sit on the front row? I just found two more tickets?" Ummmm, OKAY! So we had the best seats in the house! Cam was rivetted from the moment the show started! He loved it so much, he even made friends with the older man next to us and insisted on holding his hand for part of the show. That child is so funny!

Saturday, we had our first gathering with our new Community Group from Stonepoint. I am so excited to get to know these new friends.

Preparing for Porter~

Some precious gifts for Porter have trickled in occasionally. Today we recieved a sweet bible from one of my close friends with Porter's name engraved on it. I also received a couple of layette gowns I had personalized for Porter for when he is born. Another dear friend gave us a hat she knitted for him. All of these things are so meaningful and special to us, we will keep them forever.

So life is ticking by day by day and while I am trying my hardest to enjoy moments with Porter now, my mind drifts to what it will be like on the day we meet him. Always when I think of that day, my eyes well up with tears, my chest and throat tighten, and sometimes I sob. As much as I want to hold him in my arms, I know even sooner he will be in my Father's arms.

Prayers for the Peabody's~
~Pray for continued good moments with family and friends in the days to come
~Pray for peace surpassing all understanding leading up to and especially on that day
~Pray for my physical and emotional strength in the weeks to come. Physically, my back pain at the end of the day and during the night has rendered me almost unable to walk
~Praise God, we will have an ultrasound this Wednesday to get some more information about how Porter is growning and will get to see him on ultrasound with a real doctor!
~Pray for other mommy's greiving the loss of their babies. Especially those who've lost perfectly healthy babies unexpectedly.

A time to be born and a time to die...

2012-02-19T21:45:00.003-05:00

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens.

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

...a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2,4

I don't understand how one man can have 95 years of life and another, like my Porter may only get 95 seconds. I also don't question why this is. I do question what we will do with the time we are given. The key word here is gift. Life itself is a gift from God. It is up to us to live it victoriously no matter what the world brings us or live as if we are broken and defeated by the things this life brings.

Today, my granddaddy went to be with the Lord. He had 95 years in this world. He was married to my grandmother for 73 years, had two boys which are now grandfathers themselves. He worked hard, knew how to grow a garden, how to fix cars, and dabbled in inventing. He wasn't perfect, but he loved Jesus in the best way he knew how. He taught himself to play piano to old hymns that he loved. He could build or rebuild about anything. He loved his grandchildren and his great grandchildren.

What I do know is that God is sovereign. In the book of Job he reminds Job of who He is! He says to Job, "Where were you when I laid the Earth's foundation? ...Who shut up the sea behind doors...when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness...Have you ever given orders to the morning or shown the dawn its place...?" I am in awe of Him and his power and majesty and then combine that with an explosion of His extreme love for you and for me...how could I question him? He is God. He knows the number of the hairs on my head and gave me life. Not because I am worthy of it, but because he loves me. I hope you know how much he loves you. And if not, my prayer is that he will show you in an intimate and real way how much he loves you beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Yesterday, we went to Storkvision Atlanta to see our precious baby Porter on ultrasound. Seth and I took the grandmothers, and my best friend Kristin to get a glimpse of this sweet boy worth all of our love and tears! Porter did NOT cooperate of course. He would not let us see his face. He likes to suck on his hands and arms and rest his head on them so we couldn't get a good look. He was curled up and cozy in momma's belly safe and sound like any baby would be.

Playing peek-a-boo behind his arm. You can see half of his face, his nose and tiny bit of mouth.

You can see his hands on his knees really well in this picture. This is about as much as he would let us look at this day!

Monday OB Appointment Update (32 Weeks):
Saturday was the first time we've seen Porter since he was 15 weeks. We want to see him so badly now, but because of his diagnosis, the OB we have been seeing has said that there is no reason to follow up with ultrasounds (at least none that would be medically covered). However, today we met with a physician that felt ultrasound would be of value and immediately called for our referral! Praise God! We'll get some more information about our little Porter. Soon I hope to know how big he is! Seth and I also plan to see a genetic counselor tomorrow afternoon to talk about and possibly have testing to see if there is a medical reason for all of these losses or if it's just bad luck. Good to know for future family planning. Seth and I have always planned to adopt, but the answers to these questions could change our course of action. For now, one thing at a time! Loving Porter!

After the ultrasound, I went home and snuggled up with Campbell on the couch. I told him his baby brother is in my belly. He looked at me and then my belly trying to make sense of it, then lifted my shirt so he could try to find him! I told Cam that his brother was growing inside and that if he wanted he could give my belly a hug and a kiss. He gave my belly a big kiss, laid his head down on it and wrapped his arms around it and gently "patted" his baby brother. It was so sweet. I think Cam will love meeting his baby brother when the time comes.

Yesterday, I was assured that we made the right decision to carry Porter. He is a precious living baby boy. If God chooses to perform a miracle for his life, then we welcome that, but if Porter goes right back into Jesus' arms, what a better place to be? We are given one life. Live it well...

Prayers for the Peabody's:
~Praise God for a doctor who is proactive and listening to our wishes for Porter and our time with him!
~Praise God for comfort and peace during the ultrasound. I was so worried that seeing Porter would stir up emotions of losing him and missing him, but I just felt joy in seeing him that day. So glad the grandmothers were able to "meet" him too.
~Pray that Porter's life, no matter how short will impact many.
~Pray that Seth and I will continue to feel God's presence and rest in Him.
~Pray for those that don't know the Lord will find him in some way through what God is teaching us and urging us to share with others.
~Pray for my grandmother, father, and uncle and the family that grandaddy leaves behind. When one has lived such a long life and goes to be with Jesus, I think that is a time to dance.

Love Jeannie (and Porter of course)!

Calling All Prayers!

2012-02-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

30 Week Update~ Porter will be here before we know it!

We met with our OB this week. Well, not OUR OB.

I should clarify, our precious OB physician who has mourned with us through all of our losses, celebrated the arrival of Campbell, and now loving us through carrying Porter, is sick. Please remember her in your prayers. Go on your knees before the Lord and ask for healing for her. She has a genuine heart and compassion for her patients that is rare and lovely. Pray for strength, encouragement, and for the touch of our Great Physician's hands.

So now we are really trying to establish who will be the one to deliver Porter (if we have a scheduled c-section and don't go into spontaneous labor first). We want this person to care about us as a family, Seth, Jeannie, Cam and Porter. That our decision to carry Porter and our hearts and wishes will be meaningful to them as it was with our primary doctor. Please pray that the right person delivers Porter.

We discussed delivery as early as end of March or first of April. We'll schedule the surgery in the next 6 weeks which means we'll be meeting Porter before we know it. I feel such a finality in that. Not that the journey is over, but that very soon the unknown will be known. We will meet our son and know the unknown. All of a sudden, it is time to make sure we are as ready as possible. This means thinking about things that are hard to talk about.

I know anxiety and sorrow will mount in the weeks to come. The roller coaster will become more unpredictable. I know God will carry us through, but I would be lying if I didn't tell you I am afraid of the pain and sorrow to come. I'm not afraid to meet Porter, I rejoice at the thought of that. But I am very afraid of the depth of the pain I will feel when I have to say goodbye to him in this life. It is unnatural. It is okay for me to feel this and to be afraid and to confess this to the One who gives me hope and a future.

My tears flow as a write, but they are healthy and normal tears of any mother anticipating the loss of a baby she longs to hold and comfort and watch grow.

Prayers for the Peabody's
~Indescribable and unexplainable peace in the weeks to come
~Time with Porter in our arms
~Our doctor whom we love experiencing illness
~The doctor who will deliver Porter
~That we will be comforted and everything that needs to happen will fall into place
~This may sound crazy, but also that the right music will be selected for Porter's memorial. There are so many wonderful songs to communicate the love of God and the life of a child like Porter I can't seem to narrow them down! Music is healing and meaningful for so many, I just want the right ones.

Love Jeannie

I Am Not Alone

2012-02-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

This entry is dedicated to my best friend and sister in Christ, Kristin. Seth and I love you dear friend.

Our friends, Shannon and Bert were the first ones we called when we were told of Porter's diagnosis. I'll never forget that night as we sat in shock and disbelief asking, "Could this really be happening?". I remember when our friends had said goodbye to Drew just 3 years ago, and being in complete and total awe of their strength, faith, and trust in God. Now we were getting ready to do it ourselves.

Shannon said to me, "You will be amazed at how God will take care of you and be with you during this." He did that for them and she knew already that he would do it for us. She was so right. At the time, I was still in shock and just thought, we'll see.

But God has made us many promises and if you believe He is who He says He is. You know, He keeps all of them.

"Jeannie, I (the Lord) will go before you and will be with you: I (the Lord) will never leave you nor forsake you. Jeannie, do not be afraid: do not be discouraged." ~Deuteronomy 31:8

Our God is personal, he speaks directly to us. I encourage you to interject your name when a verse speaks to you and listen to His voice call your name.

I've been overwhelmed by the many friends, family, and strangers that have reached out to encourage us. I can't begin to name each person and group that God has so carefully placed in our paths the last few months, and it is obvious that it is intentional.

The person that has taught me the most about what a friend can be is Kristin. She has a unique relationship with both Seth and I because she and Seth have known each other since they were babies. Grew up in the same neighborhood. Seth was best friends with Kristin's brother and her family practically co-raised Seth! If you knew Seth when he was younger, you would know why they would be considered brave saints!
Once Seth and I got married, Kristin and I evolved into close friends. We were both going through very different difficult circumstances, but somehow God knew how we both needed each other and needed to learn the same things about our faith at the same time! It was clear that God had strategically placed Kristin and I in each others lives.

She is the most genuinly loving and caring person I know. She LIVES the love she has for others. She feels deeply for those who are hurting, and rejoices fully with those who are experiencing joy. She walked with Seth and I through infertility and loss, and my favorite time was when we had Cam. She stayed at the hospital through 4 a.m. to meet our joyful miracle baby!

She lives several hours away and drove to Hallie Green's memorial service with me (when Seth and Cam were out of town) just so I wouldn't have to go alone. She sends me cards weekly and drops my favorite candy in the mail just say she loves me (and sends Seth some too so he won't feel left out)! This isn't even the beginning of all that she does for us.

I love that Seth is like a brother to her and she is like a sister to me because she knows the two of us so well. We have rejoiced with her through her new marraige, watching her son grow up, and her new beautiful daughter. We just do life together. The good and the bad and the blah! Kristin cries real tears with me. I have to tell her shes not allowed to cry unless I am, because she'll get me started!

I will never be able to describe Kristin in a way that would do her justice. I only hope that many of you have a friend that is a "Kristin" to you.

And then there are these beautiful families that have chosen to trust God and carry the babies they've not been promised to keep. Five living examples of faith. I am surrounded by them.

My friend, Lisa who just happend to bring us dinner last week when NOTHING was going right! She said it was a God thing! He had brought us to her mind and offered that gift of dinner and that alone was just what we needed.

A new church family and pastor that continue to reach out to us and encourage us.

Susan M. who has stepped in to be a source of strength and encouragement to us. A communicator. I didn't even know I needed her, but God did!

My family, grandparents coming and helping with Cam and laundry (I call mom my laundry fairy).

And then there is you, the one who cares enough to read this now. Those of you who've never met us but are praying for us. YOU mean so much to me. Thank you.

Someone sent me a message this week as she was thinking about us as she was in a bible study about anguish and joy. I thought, that is exactly where we are. In a place of anguish and joy. The anguish part is obvious, but the joy! The joy is in getting to know my God in a more intimate way than ever before. Knowing that the end of Porter's life is not the end of Porter. That my friends, is hope and joy. We will be sorrowful and we will miss him and not getting to do all the things new parents get to do with there children, but after this life we will be with him again. Spending eternity with my Lord and Saviour that gave us all the gift of redemption and life. That...again is joy.

I still have moment of full on grief. That is normal and I know it. I am honest about it with the Lord and my family and I don't apologize for it. I suspect as we grow nearer to meeting Porter that my ups and downs will be more frequent and intense.

Prayer Requests:
~Continued prayers for Dalton and his mommy and daddy. Dalton is defying the odds already in his first week of life. You can see Dalton's blog in my blog list to the left.
~Pray for physical and emotional strength for me. I have a lot of sciatic pain and chasing my almost two year old and working is taking a toll on my body which makes me more vulnerable emotionally.
~Pray for Seth as tax season is in full swing and he won't be as present as he wants to be during these last important months (when I am most "needy")
~Pray for the Green family as they continue to wrap their hearts and heads around not having Hallie with them as part of their everyday life.
~Pray that we will live as a witness and testimony to the Lord so that others may come to know him deeply and personally. This journey is not for us to feel pain and defeat, but to bring glory to our Maker.
~We have an OB visit this week. We'll let you know how it goes, but our beloved OB has been ill and is not able to return to take care of us during this pregnancy. Please pray for her and the wisdom and sensitivity of our new doctor.

Love,
Jeannie

On a Lighter Note~Week 29 Update

2012-01-30T22:10:00.000-05:00

The last post was packed full of many important things I had wanted to tell you about our journey to Porter. This week, I thought we'd keep it simple~

Watch out! The blog will get a make-over soon! Can't wait! Thankfully one of my very good friends is way more blog savvy than me and has offered to make it a little more friendly to the eye! So next time you visit, don't think you've gone to the wrong one!
I am 29 weeks with Porter now! Technically, only 8 weeks until we are full term. Porter's due date is April 16th. You can imagine with Seth being a CPA and in the heat of tax season, these final months will be a challenge as I get bigger and Cam gets heavier!

We just returned from North Georgia after enjoying a long weekend at the lake with friends! We let Cam ride a horse...he thinks he is a real cowboy and now tries to ride our poor family dog, Katie! We ate at the Dillard House which was a real adventure with a two year old. Campbell very subtly threw up on the ride home and my sweet friend snuck out and cleaned up the car seat when I wasn't looking! Now THAT's friendship!

Cam's Best Buddy

The truth is, I wish I could list out every nice thing every person has done for us since all this started, but I'm honestly too afraid I'll leave someone out! God has been taking such good care of us.

Thanks to all your prayers and our Father walking with me through this, I am finally in a place where I am enjoying being pregnant, not worried or afraid at the moment, with only a few tears here and there.

I am enjoying feeling every little movement as Porter continues to thrive. I am not enjoying getting bigger, the back pain that renders me almost unable to walk at times (thanks to a 30+ lb toddler), and dropping everything I touch which then must be picked up. Oh, and I usually drop whatever it is 2-3 times before actually getting back into the upright position. I won't even go into what happens when a sneeze presents itself!

I have much to look forward to in the weeks to come. Grandma D will be coming to help with Cam as well as my parents who usually come once a week to spend time with the little guy.

Next week we'll have our 30 week OB appointment.

Later we'll meet with our pastor to talk about the memorial service. How about that for something to look forward to? But he and his wife and the people at Stonepoint have really reached out to us. Our pastor is encouraging us and wanting us to communicate what we feel would make this special for Porter and how to honor his life. It really means a lot to us. Susan has also been supportive beyond my expectations. Each person has brought something special to us during this time.

Then we'll have our family ultrasound to get a sneak peek at Porter! When I was first diagnosed, I did not want to have any more ultrasounds, but it's interesting how a mother's heart will change over time as you grow to love your baby more and more. Can't wait to share some of those pictures with you!

Prayer requests for those of you who are continuing to lift us up~

~Our friends Kara and Jonathan as they are expecting Dalton at any moment tonight. I particularly cannot sleep and spend much time in prayer when one of these special mommy's is preparing to meet her child. http://devotionstodalton.blogspot.com/

~Spiritual protection as we share our hearts about what God is doing in our lives. The enemy does not like it one bit.
~My physical well being and strength as Seth is working more and unable to help with a very high energy little boy.
~Continued peace and rest in the Lord
~Time with Porter when he comes

Love the Peabody's

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.
Isaiah 26:3

Packing for the Journey: Can you really be prepared for this?

2012-01-23T22:23:00.000-05:00

This is a really long post, but I hope that you will read this and understand more about how we got here.

I am thankful that my heavenly Father packed my bags for this trip!

I don't know about you, but whenever I pack for a trip, there is always something I wish I had remembered to bring, OR something really important I forgot! I do believe that for this particular journey, God has "packed my bags" so to speak. In the last few years, He has revealed himself to me and taught me things about who he is that I didn't even know I needed to learn.

You see, Porter is our 5th child. We have three children in heaven, and two here with us now, including Porter.

As painful as these last few years have been, I've never been more sure of the love of God or stood more firmly in my faith. I am thankful that at this time in my life, I can endure hardship and not even once question the love of God or his goodness. Can you imagine being able to feel that way about the God you believe in? I hope that you can and will. I pray that everyone will come to know him this way. He is personal, intimate, loving, and good.

I've Got This One, God
My story of loss began in August of 2007. We were starting a family and thrilled to be expecting. We had been to the doctor and seen the heartbeat and been reassured that once a heartbeat is found the chances of losing the pregnancy went down greatly. When we returned for our first official 8 week OB visit, we were greeted with gift bags, information packets, free samples of formula and were so excited!

I'll never forget as our chattering and excitement turned to silence as the doctor searched the ultrasound for signs of life. It was becoming clear that there was no longer a life inside me. Even though this was an early loss, we had lost our first baby. We had planned for this child and wanted this child and were ready to be parents. We left the office that day stunned and heartbroken. Seth was worried about me of course as I began to grieve the child I already loved. However, I am a nurse and the "medical professional" logic took over after several weeks. It was full speed ahead for baby #2. I prayed that God would bless us again. I didn't really question God at this point, but I was kind of wondering what went wrong. I thought, "Oh, it happens to a lot of people the first time, it was just bad luck". God, we've got this, we'll just wait on you.

God, Why Don't You Love Me? Maybe I'm Just Not Good Enough For You.
We prayed and waited...and waited, and started to wonder when or if it would happen again. In the summer of 2008, we learned that we were expecting again! We confirmed there was a heartbeat and a precious baby growing. Of course, we were on pins and needles because no longer did a strong heartbeat mean a healthy pregnancy for us. When Seth and I returned for our 9 week ultrasound...again no sign of life. This time, I looked at the screen as the ultrasound tech searched and I said, "if it's not there, it's not there, we would have seen it by now". This time, I crashed and burned emotionally and spiritually. I was devastated. It was at this point in time that I began to question why, question God's love for me, question what was wrong with me and why wasn't I good enough to be a mom. My faith tumbled. The faith I'd always thought was solid and unshakable. God was showing me some major holes in the foundation of a faith I thought I knew.

At the time, I was fortunate to be in a small group at church with unbelievable young women with faith beyond their years. These women prayed for Seth and I daily. I was able to be completely transparent and honest about my anger towards God, my doubts in Him, and my shortcomings. I'll never forget the day that I confessed that I was so hurt and angry at God that I didn't even want to talk to him. My friend, Breanna prayed for me that night. She prayed that God would come to me and meet me where I'm at. Because the truth was that I didn't want to speak to him and I needed him to speak to me. You know what? HE DID. I was driving home one night alone with my thoughts and I began to pray and tell God it wasn't fair. If he knew my desire to have children why would he let me down like this? I heard a voice in my head, clearly and distinctly say, "I know, I lost my Son too." And I wept. He was right. He did know. But I wasn't ready to hear that yet. That answer was not good enough for me...yet.

But He was pointing me to the cross that day. He was pleading with me, his daughter, to open my eyes and SEE how much he loved me! Enough to send his only Son to take the blame for my sin. Could you imagine, sacrificing your own child's life for the sake of those that are ugly with sin? Who may not even appreciate the gift of your child's life, curse his name and and even deny that he ever existed? Why would God do that for me? There is only one answer...LOVE. Oh how He loves us...Our tiny human brains cannot even comprehend it. Finally, I understood that He loved me, not based on what he did or didn't "do" for me or what desires and "wishes" he granted, but because of what Christ did for me that day.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and how long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19

I Surrender!
It doesn't make sense, does it? How God could love us so much? I pray that each of you reading this will experience this love. I'd like to tell you about my friend Lindy, and how she came to know the love of God. God used Lindy to teach me the hardest lesson of all...surrender.

In spring of 2009, we lost our third baby. I knew God loved me now, but I was so confused and I was grieving...I told Seth that this would all be so much easier if I just knew what God's big picture was! If I knew how he wanted to use this and it all made sense that I would be okay with it. Should we adopt and give up our dreams of biological children completely? We always wanted to adopt anyway, but we weren't ready. We still needed to grieve the loss of this dream first.

My friend, Lindy and I had a unique relationship! We were the odd couple when it came to friendships. I am very conservative and she was very liberal. I am faith based and she is evidence based. One thing I loved the most about our friendship is that we could share our difference of opinions openly and ask questions to understand the other's point of view, but in the end we always amiably agreed to disagree! We had a mutual respect and admiration for one another. She was an amazing friend. We could talk freely and boldly about anything.

I will never forget the day she called me to tell me she had cancer. I was parking my car at a local children's hospital when she called. I stopped the car and time stood still. We wept. We cried about her losing her hair of all things. Which, according to her was her best feature (I would disagree)! At the time, Lindy didn't know the Lord like I did. I had been praying for her salvation for years.

During her battle with cancer, she would ask me and many of her friends to pray with and for her even though she hadn't fully accepted the concept of God and Christ and the Holy Spirit. She said it comforted her. I prayed that God would meet her where she was at. I prayed that he would reveal himself to her in a way that she couldn't deny. And that she would see that he was real and loved her more than she could have imagined.

One night, I was worshipping at Buckhead Church in Atlanta. I won't go into the message but that night I was struck hard by the realization that I would gladly give up my desire to have children if only Lindy could come to know God. If He could use me in a tiny way to help her put the pieces of a much larger puzzle together then let me be a piece of that. I loved her dearly and just wanted more than ever for her to know the eternal hope we have in him. For that, I surrendered myself and my own wants. Surrender had finally arrived...I gave it all up to him.

In July of 2009, I became pregnant with Campbell. When I called to share the news with Lindy, she said, "I'm surprised you would continue to try after all you've been through." The first thing that came from my mouth without a second thought was, "Lindy, sometimes it's worth leaving it up to God to give him the chance to perform a miracle, why wouldn't I give him that chance? I may lose this baby too, but I'm okay with that now."

As Lindy continued to fight her battle with cancer while being a wife, a mother to two small boys, a daughter, and a physician, Campbell grew and I continued to pray that she would meet God in a real and intimate way.

Campbell was born in April of 2010. Lindy met him and rejoiced with us in what God had done. Lindy also met Christ that year. And I rejoiced with the knowledge that I had gained a sister in Christ. God is so good.
Lindy went to be with the Lord in July of 2010. She was worth Christ's love too. He loved her before she was born. He wanted her to love him too...and she did. She met her heavenly Father and knew that he was real.

I will miss you, Lindy. I will never forget how you changed my life. Every time I look at Campbell, I am reminded of surrender and Lindy. I think the day I surrendered, God must have said, "FINALLY! You get it. It's not about you. It's about eternity. Oh, and by the way, I love you Jeannie Peabody, more than you will ever know."

Porter, I lift you towards our heavenly Father. I know that you are in his hands. That he loves you more than even I will ever love you. I know that you will be embraced by him on that day and please tell Lindy I said hello, and I love her.

Our bags are packed, we'll be there when our Father calls us.

Love Jeannie

27 Week Update~Wow! What a week!

2012-01-16T22:04:00.000-05:00

It's a good thing I passed my glucose test because over dessert on Saturday night we had five couples gather together who all have either had children with trisomy 13 or 18 or are due in the next few months. Some already knew one another and some were meeting for the first time, but if you had just seen everyone together you would have never known. Everyone just jumped right in to conversation. There is an extraordinary bond and understanding when you have experienced this kind of journey. Thankfully, we put Chris to work getting pictures to capture this special time together! Doesn't everyone have a look of an unexplainable joy? Even in the midst of loss and grieving, they are all so beautiful!

Kara and Jonathan are due February 6th. Their son, Dalton, has partial trisomy 13. There is still so much unknown about what Dalton's arrivial will be like. Please pray for Kara and Jonathan as they come closer to meeting this precious boy. You can read Kara's blog "Devotions to Dalton" to learn more about this wonderful family. Pray for Dalton to defy the odds and amaze everyone he meets that day and the years to come!

Last Friday, I met with a nurse from Hospice Atlanta. She was incredible. Can you imagine the heart one must have to support families when preparing for the loss of a child? She blew me away with her ability to lead the conversation away when it became difficult to talk and how at the same time she acknowledged what we expressed. I thank God for people like her in the world. There was a time in my career when I had considered hospice nursing. I'm not sure I have what it takes, but she certainly does!

These are the two things that truly make me cry everytime I think about Porter's time here with us:

1. My desire for Campbell to want to hold his baby brother. I want him to have held him and to capture this moment on film for when Cam is older. I know 2 year olds are unpredictable, so I know we'll have no control over his actions but this is one thing I want so much.

2. Once Porter is born into heaven (thank you Kalee for this expression), I feel so strongly about him being held lovingly in my arms or someones' arms who loves him until it is time to hand him over to the funeral home. I don't know what the hospital policy is if that is where it happens, but I can not bear the thought of him going any other way.

One of my friends quoted C.S Lewis, "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." I know Porter is here with us now and we do not know how long his soul will be with us here on this Earth, but I know we will see him again someday. Sometimes I wonder, when I see him, will he be a grown man or a boy or a baby? I'm not sure? Part of me thinks he will be grown into who he would have been here.

There is so much I want to tell each of you reading this. So much more than just how I'm doing this week. Soon I will share how God brought me to this place of surrender and acceptance. It was certainly a journey of faith that I didn't even know I needed to take. It involves the loss of several baby brothers and sisters of Cam and Porter and also the loss of my dear friend, Lindy. I will share that journey with you on the way down this one in the next few weeks.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, love, and support. I am convinced your prayers have brought me out of the pit of sorrow and despair I was in last weekend. I feel so calm and confident in my Lord today. I will still weep, but weep with a joy of hope in eternity.

Love Jeannie

26 Week Update~Roller Coaster Riding!

2012-01-11T21:34:00.000-05:00

Here we are at 26 weeks! I look more like I'm 30! I feel like I'm 8 months! My belly is huge and I'm finally having to give in to real maternity pants. Not that it's a bad thing!

I had my 26 week OB appointment last week and completed my oral glucose tolerance test. I'm not going to lie, I had a donut today just in case they called and said I failed my test! Crossing my fingers that doesn't happen!

Last weekend was very difficult but also very good for me. I was able to cry it out all weekend and just let myself feel all of the sadness, anxiety, and everything that's been bottled up for the last 4-6 weeks. You know what it feels like to be so stressed out and then just stop. Take a breath...and sigh. Well, that's what last weekend did for me. It must be a God thing that I feel this calm and peace right now. This is the roller coaster ride Katie had been referring to. I hit bottom and now we're slowly climbing to the next peak, just holding on to my Lord, my family, and my sanity the best I can for now.

So much has happened over the last few days. Last weekend, Seth took Cam for a boys weekend to see his uncle in south Georgia so I could rest. It was so good for me, but I missed them terribly. While they were gone, I set up Cam's "big boy" toddler bed complete with what Cam would find most appealing...Thomas the Train! He LOVED it! And was so excited to spend the first night in his bed.

Monday night, Seth felt Porter kick for the first time! I've never been so thankful for the little things. Just the chance for him to get a kick from his baby boy since every moment we have is not guaranteed.

Tuesday, Cam went poo poo in the potty! Okay, TMI but that was a pretty exciting day! We haven't pushed him to potty train at all, only encouraging his own interest in it! He's getting to be such a big boy. I'm a little sad we won't get to do this again for now. I guess this is where the grieving what "might have been" comes into the picture.

Friday we have a meeting with hospice. I'm not really looking forward to it, but in some ways I hope we get the chance to use their services. This would be if we are able to bring Porter home for a little bit. Time. That's what I'm praying for.

I'm planning an ultrasound with the grandmothers and my best friends. I want them to be able to see Porter in case we don't have time with him after he is born. We'll be able to get ultrasound videos and pictures for keepsakes. I'll be honest that I'm most worried about seeing his double clefts. I'm ashamed to admit that this frightens me because I don't want anyone, especially Porter to ever sense anything but total and complete love from me. I've seen gorgeous babies with single clefts, but the impression that I get from double clefts is that the facial deformity is so much more severe. I'm am pretty sure that when he's actually born I won't see anything but perfection.

I am most excited for this weekend! There are five amazing mommy's and daddy's who have or have had sons and daughters with trisomy. I'm really glad the fathers are coming because a lot of times we forget that they have a tremendous burden to care for their grieving wives and families while they grieve as well. Don't know if they'll feel like talking, but at least they will be in the presence of other dads that get it.

A lot going on in the Peabody house but so glad to be feeling an unexplainable joy in the midst of turmoil.

Thank you all for your continued prayers! They have the power to lift us up and change our hearts.

Hallelujah~Hallie Lynn Green

2012-01-07T23:20:00.000-05:00

Hallelujah: Praise the Lord

Today we remembered and rejoiced in the life of Hallie Lynn Green.

Hallie lived 5 days and has done more in her short life than most of us do in our lifetimes. Although she could not see, she has opened the eyes of believers and non-believers to the love of God. And though she may not have been able to hear, so many more have heard of the gift of grace available to us through his son, Jesus. She had not yet learned to speak, but her message was clear, her purpose was complete, her legacy will live on and continue to reach more than we will ever know.

I am grateful for the Green family. So gracefully going before Seth and I and showing us how to walk to the other side of this journey while honoring the God we praise.

If you don't know their story, please click on their blog to the left of my post. There you will see the beautiful Hallie and why we all fell in love with her. Even those of us who never met her.

Please consider encouraging the Greens with a donation to "Hope from Hallie". The Greens have felt led to begin a ministry to provide support to families in similar situations and to walk with them on their journey. Katie has already gathered a group of at least four other women who are in some stage of infant loss. I can assure you that one of the biggest comforts during this time is to know that Hallie (and for me, Porter) will not be forgotten when they are gone. That their lives have purpose and meaning.

You can donate by going to the Ford Family Blog (Katie's friend) to donate to "Hope from Hallie".

http://www.growingfordfamily.bloodspot.com/

Please remember the Greens in your prayers and if you feel led, send them a word of support and love.

Love,
Porter's Mom

I found comfort in this verse from Isaiah tonight.

I will rejoice over Jerusalem
and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
will be heard in it no more. "Never again will there be in it
an infant who lives but a few days,
or an old man who does not live out his years;
the one who dies at a hundred
will be thought a mere child;
the one who fails to reach a hundred
will be considered accursed. (Isaiah 65:19, 20 NIV)

Darkness and Light

2012-01-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

The Darkness Sets In...

The truth is that I entered 2012 with great resistance. Dreading what is to come. Don't misunderstand, my faith is unshaken but I can't help but feel the grief and sorrow rising up in my heart. The holidays and work have kept me too busy to give my heart any time to feel. I've kept it buried for the sake of my ability to function as a wife, mother, friend, and employee. The result...darkness. That feeling of being consumed in the darkness of sorrow and pain.

It began December 19th when precious Hallie was born. My heart yearned for her family to have time to hold her in their arms and show her the only thing she will ever know in this world. Love. Every day of Hallie's life I prayed for her, for her mommy, daddy, and sisters. I couldn't sleep at night, the Holy Spirit stirring me and urging me to lift them in prayer. Hallie went to be with Jesus December 23 and my heart felt the loss for this family more deeply than I had imagined. God is sustaining this family during this time and I know he will do the same for me, but right now I don't know how I will survive it.

In addition, 2012 brought the loss of young man I knew many years ago to lymphoma. He leaves behind many loved ones including a wife and two small children. My heart again wounded from the pain his family must be feeling. Darkness creeps in. Sorrow takes hold.

Job 23 says, "Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face."

My sadness isn't wrong and it doesn't mean I'm not trusting in the Lord. I'm human, I'm a mommy who is facing the loss of this precious one growing inside me. This little one I've not even met, but love so completely.

God did not create us to die. That wasn't a part of the original plan. Death is not natural. That is why we mourn and hate it. When sin entered the world, the result was death.

There are times when the sounds of my own weeping startle even me. I save this for when I am alone with the Lord. I know he hears me and I am safe with him.

Then There Was Light...

Then came our Saviour, "In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1 4-5

The love of Christ has truly been shown to me through the love and kindness of friends and family.
One of my best friends gave me a necklace with "I hold your heart in mine" inscribed to remind me of the love I have for Porter. How I will always treasure him in my heart. I wear it regularly.

One friend brought us the most amazing home cooked Ethiopian meal! That was Seth's favorite for sure!
Another friend took family photos of all "4" of us that we can treasure and look back at a time when Porter was with us in some way. We are posting some of these pictures here in the blog.

Everyone's kind words, comments, and messages have carried us. I hang on every word and savor your thoughts and prayers for us.

I often think about the blessings I have. A husband that loves and cares for me, a toddler that hugs and kisses me when I need it most, a family that loves me and prays for me. A safe home and job where I am treated well. I think of these things and of my Father in Heaven, who because of him I have assurance that I will hold my baby, my Porter again some day. I am so glad God is greater than me and that I don't have to carry the weight of this world and what this world brings on my shoulders.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16

Please pray these families that I've mentioned who are grieving the loss of their loved ones. Remember them in the days and months to come.

Prayers for the Peabody's.
Pray for peace and comfort and assurance.
Pray that my heart will experience joy and savor this time with Porter.
Pray that we will be consumed by Light and not darkness.
Pray that Porter will continue to grow and be safe long enough for us to meet him and hold him on this side of heaven.

Until next time,
Jeannie

Perfect

2011-12-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

If you had told me this time last year that we would be planning the birth and the death of our newborn son, I would not have thought it was possible.

All we new as of July 2011 was that Campbell was going to be a big brother and Seth and I would be parents again! Excited to get another chance to use our experience with Cam on a new baby and prove we'd do even better this time! Oh the joy, that comes with a new baby! New beginnings, precious tiny mouth and nose, fingers and toes.

In October, we went to an ultrasound to screen for neural tube defects. We always said we'd never end a pregnancy because of the results of these tests, but rather prepare us mentally for the possibility of a special needs child. I'm a nurse and have worked in the hospital setting as well as the clinic. Part of that role is exuding confidence as you do your job to put patients and families at ease. During the ultrasound, I saw that flicker on the techs face. That flicker of, "this isn't good, but I can't be the one to let the cat out of the bag" look. I chose to ignore it, but noticed this tech wasn't as chatty as most during what is usually a happy routine visit. Sure enough, Dr. E walks in and says those words that made my world come to a screeching halt. "I have some serious concerns about your baby." Have you ever received bad news and literally, everything around you becomes background noise? You're trying to listen but your only getting about every 3rd or 4th word?

Trisomy 13 or 18. That's what I heard. I looked at Seth and the only thing I could do before weeping like a woman who had just heard a fatal diagnosis of a child was say, please call our friends. We know an amazing family that lost their little boy to trisomy 13 two years ago. They were the only ones that I could think of that day and I thought, how did they survive?

This is our story, this is the journey we are on. Why did God allow this to happen? I don't need to know. Honestly, I trust him so fully and completely, that I don't need to know the reason. I'll talk about this in future posts, but for tonight I wanted to share something that God has laid upon my heart. If I could guess, I think we were chosen because he knows I wear my heart on my sleeve and will share my joy, my pain, my good, my bad and my ugly with anyone if it glorifies Him. I'm honest about my feelings, and I don't think this is always a bad thing.

There is one thing I hope this experience and our love for Porter will teach others. We are made perfect because of love.

The moment I saw Porter on the ultrasound, I knew I loved him fully. When I discovered his brain, heart, kidneys, and other organs were "broken" and that he was deformed from two cleft palates/lips, and extra fingers and toes, my love for him did not change or lessen. To me, he is perfect. He was happily playing in my tummy. Touching his face, kicking his legs and stretching his arms just like any baby would. His heart is beating, he is alive in me.

Now think about this portrait for a minute. What do we really look like on the inside and outside for that matter? Are we ugly according to this world's standards? Are we ugly in the inside? Broken on the inside from people that have hurt us, or living with sin, shame, or anger? Some of us are so broken, that the world has given up on us or chosen to treat us as outcasts. Have you ever thought, "That person can't be helped"?

Why is it that God hasn't given up on us? Perhaps because he sees us for who he created us to be. The "perfect" you. The one he intended for you to be. Beautiful, blameless, holy. You are his Porter. He loves you with all of his heart in spite of our ugliness.

Hebrews 10:14 (The Message) says "It was a perfect sacrifice by a perfect person to perfect some very imperfect people. By that single offering, he did everything that needed to be done for everyone who takes part in the purifying process."

His son, Christ Jesus. The prophecy fulfilled. We are alive in him. Made perfect. By him.

I pray that by opening my heart and soul to you as we love Porter for who he was created to be, that you will see a glimpse of God's love for us.

Welcome to my heart. Let the journey begin.

About Us

2011-09-01T05:52:00.000-04:00

In October 2011, Seth and I learned that our unborn son, Porter has a condition called trisomy 13 or Pateu's Syndrome which is not compatible with life. We chose to let God decide when Porter's life will end. These are the lessons we've learned from our Heavenly Father through the life of Porter Gray. Isaiah 46:4