Darkness and Light

The Darkness Sets In...

The truth is that I entered 2012 with great resistance. Dreading what is to come. Don't misunderstand, my faith is unshaken but I can't help but feel the grief and sorrow rising up in my heart. The holidays and work have kept me too busy to give my heart any time to feel.  I've kept it buried for the sake of my ability to function as a wife, mother, friend, and employee. The result...darkness. That feeling of being consumed in the darkness of sorrow and pain.

It began December 19th when precious Hallie was born. My heart yearned for her family to have time to hold her in their arms and show her the only thing she will ever know in this world. Love. Every day of Hallie's life I prayed for her, for her mommy, daddy, and sisters. I couldn't sleep at night, the Holy Spirit stirring me and urging me to lift them in prayer. Hallie went to be with Jesus December 23 and my heart felt the loss for this family more deeply than I had imagined. God is sustaining this family during this time and I know he will do the same for me, but right now I don't know how I will survive it.

In addition, 2012 brought the loss of young man I knew many years ago to lymphoma. He leaves behind many loved ones including a wife and two small children. My heart again wounded from the pain his family must be feeling. Darkness creeps in. Sorrow takes hold.

Job 23 says, "Yet I am not silenced by the darkness, by the thick darkness that covers my face."

My sadness isn't wrong and it doesn't mean I'm not trusting in the Lord. I'm human, I'm a mommy who is facing the loss of this precious one growing inside me. This little one I've not even met, but love so completely.

God did not create us to die. That wasn't a part of the original plan. Death is not natural. That is why we mourn and hate it. When sin entered the world, the result was death.

There are times when the sounds of my own weeping startle even me. I save this for when I am alone with the Lord. I know he hears me and I am safe with him.

Then There Was Light...

Then came our Saviour, "In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1 4-5

The love of Christ has truly been shown to me through the love and kindness of friends and family.
One of my best friends gave me a necklace with "I hold your heart in mine" inscribed to remind me of the love I have for Porter. How I will always treasure him in my heart. I wear it regularly.

One friend brought us the most amazing home cooked Ethiopian meal! That was Seth's favorite for sure!
Another friend took family photos of all "4" of us that we can treasure and look back at a time when Porter was with us in some way. We are posting some of these pictures here in the blog.

Everyone's kind words, comments, and messages have carried us. I hang on every word and savor your thoughts and prayers for us.

I often think about the blessings I have. A husband that loves and cares for me, a toddler that hugs and kisses me when I need it most, a family that loves me and prays for me. A safe home and job where I am treated well. I think of these things and of my Father in Heaven, who because of him I have assurance that I will hold my baby, my Porter again some day.  I am so glad God is greater than me and that I don't have to carry the weight of this world and what this world brings on my shoulders.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16

Please pray these families that I've mentioned who are grieving the loss of their loved ones. Remember them in the days and months to come.

Prayers for the Peabody's.
Pray for peace and comfort and assurance.
Pray that my heart will experience joy and savor this time with Porter.
Pray that we will be consumed by Light and not darkness.
Pray that Porter will continue to grow and be safe long enough for us to meet him and hold him on this side of heaven.

Until next time,
Jeannie