Packing for the Journey: Can you really be prepared for this?

This is a really long post, but I hope that you will read this and understand more about how we got here.

I am thankful that my heavenly Father packed my bags for this trip!

I don't know about you, but whenever I pack for a trip, there is always something I wish I had remembered to bring, OR something really important I forgot! I do believe that for this particular journey, God has "packed my bags" so to speak. In the last few years, He has revealed himself to me and taught me things about who he is that I didn't even know I needed to learn.

You see, Porter is our 5th child. We have three children in heaven, and two here with us now, including Porter.

As painful as these last few years have been, I've never been more sure of the love of God or stood more firmly in my faith. I am thankful that at this time in my life, I can endure hardship and not even once question the love of God or his goodness. Can you imagine being able to feel that way about the God you believe in? I hope that you can and will. I pray that everyone will come to know him this way. He is personal, intimate, loving, and good.

I've Got This One, God
My story of loss began in August of 2007.  We were starting a family and thrilled to be expecting. We had been to the doctor and seen the heartbeat and been reassured that once a heartbeat is found the chances of losing the pregnancy went down greatly. When we returned for our first official 8 week OB visit, we were greeted with gift bags, information packets, free samples of formula and were so excited!

I'll never forget as our chattering and excitement turned to silence as the doctor searched the ultrasound for signs of life. It was becoming clear that there was no longer a life inside me. Even though this was an early loss, we had lost our first baby. We had planned for this child and wanted this child and were ready to be parents. We left the office that day stunned and heartbroken. Seth was worried about me of course as I began to grieve the child I already loved. However, I am a nurse and the "medical professional" logic took over after several weeks. It was full speed ahead for baby #2. I prayed that God would bless us again. I didn't really question God at this point, but I was kind of wondering what went wrong. I thought, "Oh, it happens to a lot of people the first time, it was just bad luck". God, we've got this, we'll just wait on you.

God, Why Don't You Love Me? Maybe I'm Just Not Good Enough For You.
We prayed and waited...and waited, and started to wonder when or if it would happen again. In the summer of 2008, we learned that we were expecting again! We confirmed there was a heartbeat and a precious baby growing. Of course, we were on pins and needles because no longer did a strong heartbeat mean a healthy pregnancy for us. When Seth and I returned for our 9 week ultrasound...again no sign of life. This time, I looked at the screen as the ultrasound tech searched and I said, "if it's not there, it's not there, we would have seen it by now". This time, I crashed and burned emotionally and spiritually. I was devastated. It was at this point in time that I began to question why, question God's love for me, question what was wrong with me and why wasn't I good enough to be a mom. My faith tumbled. The faith I'd always thought was solid and unshakable. God was showing me some major holes in the foundation of a faith I thought I knew.

At the time, I was fortunate to be in a small group at church with unbelievable young women with faith beyond their years. These women prayed for Seth and I daily. I was able to be completely transparent and honest about my anger towards God, my doubts in Him, and my shortcomings. I'll never forget the day that I confessed that I was so hurt and angry at God that I didn't even want to talk to him. My friend, Breanna prayed for me that night. She prayed that God would come to me and meet me where I'm at. Because the truth was that I didn't want to speak to him and I needed him to speak to me. You know what? HE DID. I was driving home one night alone with my thoughts and I began to pray and tell God it wasn't fair. If he knew my desire to have children why would he let me down like this? I heard a voice in my head, clearly and distinctly say, "I know, I lost my Son too." And I wept. He was right. He did know. But I wasn't ready to hear that yet. That answer was not good enough for me...yet.

But He was pointing me to the cross that day. He was pleading with me, his daughter, to open my eyes and SEE how much he loved me! Enough to send his only Son to take the blame for my sin. Could you imagine, sacrificing your own child's life for the sake of those that are ugly with sin? Who may not even appreciate the gift of your child's life, curse his name and and even deny that he ever existed? Why would God do that for me? There is only one answer...LOVE. Oh how He loves us...Our tiny human brains cannot even comprehend it. Finally, I understood that He loved me, not based on what he did or didn't "do" for me or what desires and "wishes" he granted, but because of what Christ did for me that day.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and how long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that SURPASSES KNOWLEDGE- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Ephesians 3:17-19

I Surrender!
It doesn't make sense, does it? How God could love us so much? I pray that each of you reading this will experience this love. I'd like to tell you about my friend Lindy, and how she came to know the love of God. God used Lindy to teach me the hardest lesson of all...surrender.

In spring of 2009, we lost our third baby. I knew God loved me now, but I was so confused and I was grieving...I told Seth that this would all be so much easier if I just knew what God's big picture was! If I knew how he wanted to use this and it all made sense that I would be okay with it. Should we adopt and give up our dreams of biological children completely? We always wanted to adopt anyway, but we weren't ready. We still needed to grieve the loss of this dream first.

My friend, Lindy and I had a unique relationship! We were the odd couple when it came to friendships. I am very conservative and she was very liberal. I am faith based and she is evidence based. One thing I loved the most about our friendship is that we could share our difference of opinions openly and ask questions to understand the other's point of view, but in the end we always amiably agreed to disagree! We had a mutual respect and admiration for one another. She was an amazing friend. We could talk freely and boldly about anything.

I will never forget the day she called me to tell me she had cancer. I was parking my car at a local children's hospital when she called. I stopped the car and time stood still. We wept. We cried about her losing her hair of all things. Which, according to her was her best feature (I would disagree)! At the time, Lindy didn't know the Lord like I did. I had been praying for her salvation for years.

During her battle with cancer, she would ask me and many of her friends to pray with and for her even though she hadn't fully accepted the concept of God and Christ and the Holy Spirit. She said it comforted her. I prayed that God would meet her where she was at. I prayed that he would reveal himself to her in a way that she couldn't deny. And that she would see that he was real and loved her more than she could have imagined.

One night, I was worshipping at Buckhead Church in Atlanta. I won't go into the message but that night I was struck hard by the realization that I would gladly give up my desire to have children if only Lindy could come to know God. If He could use me in a tiny way to help her put the pieces of a much larger puzzle together then let me be a piece of that. I loved her dearly and just wanted more than ever for her to know the eternal hope we have in him. For that, I surrendered myself and my own wants. Surrender had finally arrived...I gave it all up to him.

In July of 2009, I became pregnant with Campbell. When I called to share the news with Lindy, she said, "I'm surprised you would continue to try after all you've been through." The first thing that came from my mouth without a second thought was, "Lindy, sometimes it's worth leaving it up to God to give him the chance to perform a miracle, why wouldn't I give him that chance? I may lose this baby too, but I'm okay with that now."

As Lindy continued to fight her battle with cancer while being a wife, a mother to two small boys, a daughter, and a physician, Campbell grew and I continued to pray that she would meet God in a real and intimate way.

Campbell was born in April of 2010. Lindy met him and rejoiced with us in what God had done. Lindy also met Christ that year. And I rejoiced with the knowledge that I had gained a sister in Christ. God is so good.
Lindy went to be with the Lord in July of 2010. She was worth Christ's love too. He loved her before she was born. He wanted her to love him too...and she did. She met her heavenly Father and knew that he was real.

I will miss you, Lindy. I will never forget how you changed my life. Every time I look at Campbell, I am reminded of surrender and Lindy. I think the day I surrendered, God must have said, "FINALLY! You get it. It's not about you. It's about eternity. Oh, and by the way, I love you Jeannie Peabody, more than you will ever know."

Porter, I lift you towards our heavenly Father. I know that you are in his hands. That he loves you more than even I will ever love you. I know that you will be embraced by him on that day and please tell Lindy I said hello, and I love her.

Our bags are packed, we'll be there when our Father calls us.

Love Jeannie