Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
The verse from which this blog was named. It's been a week since Porter left my arms to be with my heavenly Father and I am holding to the truth that he is carrying me, sustaining me, and rescuing me in these difficult days.
We had 38 minutes to tell Porter how much we loved him, to kiss him and touch him while he was still with us. 38 minutes is 38 more than we were ever promised, but as any parent who's experienced the loss of a child will tell you it will never be enough.
I am convinced that every moment leading up to March 2nd was designed specifically by God to answer our prayers for time with Porter.
I was not scheduled to have another ultrasound with a doctor until the week before when we met with an OB that felt it would be of value. She immediatly called to get us a consult while we were in the office with her. Prior to her, everyone essentially said it wasn't worth it since we were only going to provide comfort measures and it wouldn't change the outcome.
I went for this ultrasound and ended up being admitted for high bloodpressure and to rule out preeclampsia (complications from pregancy). While preecleampsia was ruled out, I happened to have another ultrasound that showed that my amniotic fluid was dangerously low (dangerous for Porter). The doctors, knowing that our wishes were to meet him and have time with him suggested we consider delivering him in the next day or two.
We chose to deliver him Friday, March 2nd. Porter's Birthday~a day I'll never forget. When Porter was born, our doctor said the umbilical cord was wrapped twice around his neck and was fairly tight. I believe fully that Porter would not have lasted another day if we had waited.
There were too many things that came together to bring Porter into the world on March 2nd for it to have been coincidence. I believe that even in this hardest of circumstances, God was answering our prayers and telling us we made the right decisions and gave us a gift. A gift of 38 minutes. I'll be honest with you though, I am so looking forward to eternity.
It's hard to describe what I am feeling this week. Sometimes it feels like it didn't happen, almost too fast the memories are a blur and at other times I'm so overcome with emotions it is too much to bear. Like a volcano eruption of tears, sadness, and just missing him beyond words.
I am so blessed to have loving family, friends, and strangers to pray for us and love on us any way they know how. I honestly don't even know what to do with myself right now except let you all love on me.
I was dreading leaving the hospital without a baby in my arms. That was a difficult trip down the hall. One of my doctors and friend came to see me and brought me the most beautiful and magnificent smelling orchid. I was so thankful to have something in my arms that was beautiful to carry.
Kristin and I went to treat ourselves and get our nails done yesterday and for a moment, I almost couldn't hold myself together because I thought I should have been feeling Porter moving around in my belly.
My husband, Seth, has been more than I could ever have dreamt. He loves me so much and it's hard for him not to be able to fix this but I tell you his hugs make the world stand still and for a second everything feels as if it's going to be okay. I am so in love with this man who is so strong and yet so tender hearted for his wife and family. God knew the right man for me and for that, I am ever thankful.
Porter's Memorial Service
Thursday, March 29th 2:00
Buckhead Church, Atlanta
We chose the James 1:27 Foundation in support of orphans who never knew a mother or father to love them the way Porter was loved. We want to extend our support in Porter's name to help extend resources and needs to orphans that haven't yet found a loving home and family.
James 1:27 Foundation