Where do I go from here?
I've been meaning to update everyone for a while now. It's hard to know where to go from here. I can't help but think that you all wouldn't be interested in how we're doing after Porter was born and the memorial is over. So just don't know what to tell you all. It's been such a roller coaster of emotions. I feel like I'm now just trying to take one day at a time. Making to the next mile marker or event in life. One thing at a time.
So here's what's been going on since the last time I posted.
April 8th~Easter Sunday and Campbell's 2nd Birthday
Celebrated with new perspective and meaning our risen King. Easter was emotional in the sense that I truly know that without Christ's sacrifice, we would not have the comfort of knowing that this life is not all we are given and that we will be together again some day. It made me miss Porter more than ever. I long for the day of Christ's return.
I was determined to have a cake for Cam's birthday even though we chose not to have a party this year (too much stress to plan by myself with Seth working crazy tax man hours!) So even though Cam was saying "NO" to cake, we stuck a couple candles in a cake, sang Happy Birthday and called it a day. Poor Cam, but not really because we celebrate his little life everyday with loving words, hugs and kisses. Who needs a birthday when you have daily affirmation that your very existence brings joy to others?
It doesn't hurt that grandma and grandpa splurged on a John Deer tractor for his birthday present.
April 9th~Urns and Death Certificates
We have an incredibly talented wood carver who is working on Porter's urn. Hand carving the vessel that will hold what remains of his little body until the day we are all called home. Having a specially made urn was most important to Seth. I guess it is his way of making sure his son has the best and is his way of taking care of Porter in the only way we can here on this earth. The carving will be of a live oak tree. My favorite tree. I love the live oak because it doesn't grow straight and tall like a normal tree. It twists and bends and is so much more unique than other trees (to me), so though it doesn't look like the other trees (like how Porter didn't look like other babies and he was uniquely special to us) .
Later that day, I had to go pick up a copy of Porter's death certificate for some benefits documentation. That was hard. I've also sent off for his birth certificate. That one is just as important to me.
April 16th~Porter's Due Date
Even though we figured we'd deliver prior to April 16th, Porter's due date was another landmark day that was hard for me. I keep saying it, but I miss him and wish I'd had more time with him.
April 17th~Tax Deadline and I Got My Husband Back!!!!
I cannot even begin to describe how hard it has been to walk through this valley with my best friend in the world and Porter's father having to work insane hours. I know there is no place Seth would have rather been than with his family, especially during this difficult time. I know it's not his fault, but I have felt very alone. I'm so glad he's home and we can get reconnected. Cam has really missed his daddy this tax season too!
I am really dreading Mother's Day. I can tell you now that this day has always been hard for me. It was hard after going through 3 miscarriages. It was SO emotional after having Cam because I couldn't believe we actually had a son! And now is a whole new layer of love and loss that will be felt that day.
I'll never forget Mothers Day about 5 years ago. I always dreaded those Mother's Day church services where all the mothers got a flower or would stand up with the who has the most kids contest or whatever.
There I would sit, childless with several babies in heaven and nothing to show for it while all the other mothers glowed with pride. One year, though, the precious girls from my middle school small group went to the front of the church and picked a flower to give to me. I don't even know if they knew what we had just been through months before, but I was so touched by their gift of thoughtfulness that I think I cried for about 30 minutes! (And I'm NOT talking about a pretty little weeping, I'm talking sobbing crying!)
What precious girls and what a beautiful reminder of how we are all mothers if we choose to be in the lives of other young women, baby or no baby.
Dates with friends...
I am so thankful for the friends that continue to check in, Kristin, Liz, and the other mommies who've been through this. I got to spend some time with Katie last night. It was so great to be able to talk to her and NOT cry! I guess we're making progress in this crazy ride of grieving. I'm so thankful for all these moms because I find myself thinking and saying things I've heard them say and helps me to know that I'm not alone and that I'm doing okay.
Prayers for the Peabody's
~Spiritual protection~grieving this loss and sharing our faith makes us vulnerable
~My return to work in May~I feel anxiety when I think about taking on any added stress right now.